Leaving
by StarQuality
Summary: Rimmer's leaving. For good. Slight romance, slight angst and slight humour. A real mixed bag. [RimmerLister SLASH]
1. Chapter One

**Title:** Leaving 

**Author:** StarQuality  
**  
Disclaimer:** Red Dwarf be the property of those very nice blokes.  
**  
Summary:** Rimmer's leaving. For good.  
**  
Pairing:** Lister/Rimmer, kind of. If you like it that way.  
**  
A/N:** This is a little thing I came up with... I dunno. Um... Could be slashy... In fact, it is, and as it's the product of my sick mind, it's got to be slashy, really. It's set before series 7. But, after series 2... perhaps between five and six. Or... Yeah, you decide. Rimmer's hard-light though, so it's either after 6 and before 7, or he's somehow got a hard-light drive without Legion.  
It doesn't really have a point, and it's never going to be good, like _Failure, _but it's better than doing the tons of coursework I have.  
Not really a fic. More of a ficlet. I had a better version of this, but it was longer. Now I can't write the longer version because I've written this. But, to be honest, I prefer this.  
Oooh, horizontal line... Dribbly... Sorry, I've neglected fics. I still have my Fish-Fic to write... Not as odd as it sounds. Promise. And notice the _Failure_ reference. Well, the words 'Razor blades'  
ONE WORD TITLE!

* * *

**"But... Rimmer... You can't just... leave..."**

**"Why the smeg not? You all hate me anyway."**

**"No..."**

**"Oh, tot." **Rimmer looked at Lister, pushed past him and opened the wardrobe door. **"Why do you all stop talking when I come into the room?" **He stuck his head in the wardrobe, pretending to be looking for something. Actually, he was drying his eyes.

Lister didn't know what to say to that one. He moved towards the bottom bunk, where Rimmer had sat his suitcase. It was open, so he peered in. **"No... We're..." **Seven pairs of underpants. Seven pairs of socks. Three brown shirts. Two pairs of brown trousers. One smart suit. **"We.. You always..." **A box of ship issue condoms. Rimmer's Diary. Self-hypnosis tapes. _Astronavigation Made Easy. Astronavigation and Invisible Numbers and Engineering Structure Made Simple. _**"I..."**_ Astronavigation for You. Astronavigation For Dummies. _**"You must always come in half-way through conversations." **_1001 Fabulous Chat-up Lines._ _How to Pick Up Girls by Hypnosis. _**"We don't do it on purpose." **_The A-Z of Red Dwarf. Being a Hologram For Dummies. Congratulations! You're Dead!... _The man did have a lot of books.

Rimmer threw in his swimming certificates that he took down from the walls. **"It's not that nice though, is it? I mean..." **He stood on his bunk to reach up to Lister's, extracting the Blu-Tac. **"...Imagine if you came into a room, you hear the word 'smeghead', and suddenly it all goes quiet when one of the people HAPPENS to notice you're there." **He folded up his spare tie and tucked it neatly into a corner.

**"...But... Where will you go!"**

**"Titan? Juno?" **Rimmer looked at his case, and realised what was missing, **"I don't know. I haven't decided. Maybe Ganymede." **He placed his white running T-Shirt and shorts on top of the other clothes.

**"But Rimmer... They'll all be gone by now... Or empty. Deserted..."**

**"It's got to be better than here. What do I want to go to Earth for, anyway? Maybe I'll go to Io."**

Lister tried to take it all in. **"Rimmer, man, you can't just LEAVE!"**

**"So you said, but, you're not going to stop me. Hand me those razor blades."**

**"They're mine."**

**"Yes, but I might get the urge to kill myself."**

**"You're a hologram." **The younger man said, confused.

**"Mmm... But it's a nice thought."**

**"...Stop changing the subject!" **Lister looked straight at Rimmer, who looked away.

Rimmer didn't want to do this. He didn't want to leave the ship. Although they didn't get on, he considered them to be a pretty good team, a team he was quite proud of. Alright, so they were a bit scruffy (With the exception of The Cat), none of them could really DO anything (With the exception of Kryten) and none of them really cared where they were going (With the exception of Lister), but... They had a few laughs. Between being shot at, having to visit creepy places and generally irritating each other, they actually had quite a good time.  
But he had to. For his own sake, as well as everyone else's.

**"Look, Listy..." **Rimmer looked at the other man. He looked... odd. Almost... sad. Rimmer sat down next to him. **"Look. I... I don't want to leave."**

Lister put his head in his hands, **"Well don't then."**

**"Hey..." **Rimmer punched him softly, **"You'll be the highest ranking crew-member."**

**"... I don't... care..."**

**"That was supposed to make you laugh." **Rimmer sighed. **"Oh come on. You don't like me! You're always telling me to smeg off." **Lister sighed too. **"You're hardly going to miss me."**

**"Think about it though..." **Lister looked up. **"We've known each other for years... Millions, if you count my stasis years."**

This wasn't part of Rimmer's plan. He wasn't supposed to have regrets, no second thoughts. He was behind schedule. If it hadn't been for that smegging alarm clock not going off, he would've been miles away by now. But no, he'd overslept, and Lister had caught him sneaking around. Rimmer had tried to be quiet, but he tripped over one of Lister's socks and fallen head first into the washing basket. The way it was supposed to happen, Rimmer would've woken up at 3am, and by 5am he would have been in an escape pod, floating around in space, waiting until he would have his own little planet to play with. Strangely familiar. That was the plan. Guilt wasn't supposed to come into it.

**"Maybe so. But in all that time... We've hardly... We..." **Rimmer struggled for the words. He really, really wanted to go. But at the same time, all he wanted was to be there. Why was it so bloody confusing? **"We're not friends."**

The Scouser inhaled deeply. **"We... I... I'm... I just can't imagine life without you here..."**

**"Would you be the same if Kryten or Cat decided to go?"**

Silence.

**"Listy?"**

Silence. Lister had his head in his hands again.

**"... I... I'd better go." **Rimmer stood up hurriedly. He took one long look at the room that he had shared with Lister for years. Picking up his suitcase, he nodded to himself. This was it. He walked to towards the door, before turning around and looking again. Shaking his head to snap out of the daze he found himself in, he made to walk out. It was time to go... But...

**"No. Wait." **Lister stood up too, and flung his arms around the other man. **"You can't leave. Who'll regale us with tales of the Hammond Organ Club?"**

Rimmer laughed. Then he... Wait... Regale? Lister wouldn't know what that means... Rimmer must've said it... and he remembered it. He remembered something Rimmer had said.

**"Lister...?" **Rimmer asked, putting down his case, and patting Lister on the back,

Lister practically buried his head in Rimmer's shoulder, **"Mmm?" **came the muffled reply.

**"... Am I dead?"**

**"...What?"**

**"Am I DEAD?"**

**"Yeah..."**

**"How dead am I?"**

**"Dead as a can of spam." **Interesting. Very interesting.

**"... I see. And... Which one of my brothers... Which one was it that punched you?"**

**"In the photograph?"**

**"Mm."**

**"Frank... Why!"**

**"...Oh..." **Rimmer smiled happily. For the first time in his entire life, he felt happy. He felt like someone had actually listened to what he had been saying. Like someone had actually taken notice of him. He didn't feel invisible. He almost felt... loved. **"...No reason really, I just.. Forgot. And... I want to leave being able to remember the good times."**

Lister looked up at him. **"Please don't go. Please." **Rimmer shook his head slowly. He didn't want to go. But. No. He had to.

Something at that very second in time took over Rimmer. It must've been the light, but the way he saw Lister for a brief second caused him to do the strangest thing he had ever done.  
He took Lister's face in his hands, and he kissed him. Passionately. As if he needed it to live. Even if he was already dead. Lister was surprised at first, but soon got into it, as was kissing back just as hard.

They broke apart.

**"I have to."**

And he left.

* * *

Well, as far as I'm concerned, that's the end. Sorry, it was... Uh... random. Yes, random is the word I'll use. Sorry. 

Maybe I'll write more, but maybe I should have a fic without a happy ending for once. I love dialogue, as you can tell. Probably why I talk so much.

Star  
x


	2. Chapter Two

**Title:** Leaving - Chapter 2

**Author:** StarQuality  
**  
Disclaimer:** Red Dwarf be the property of those very nice blokes.  
**  
Summary:** In his escape pod, Rimmer has time to think. But... What's that big swirly thing...?  
**  
Pairing:** Lister/Rimmer, kinda. It's getting there.  
**  
A/N:** I wasn't going to write this, but the nice reviews I got, they done persuaded me (Sorry, I'm not a redneck. If that offends any rednecks, I am very sorry. A thousand apologies and pardons.) The threat of the knobbly thing was just too much. So yes, this is the next chapter in the _Leaving_ series. Enjoy.  
And 'squewiff' is a word. Well, it's a made up word that has BECOME a word. You know, it means wonky.

* * *

Rimmer sunk into the padded chair of the 'built-for-one' escape pod, and sighed. But, he wasn't sure what kind of sigh it really was. Was it one of relief? Relief that he had finally escaped Kryten, the insufferable git, Cat, the self-obsessed animal, and Lister, the... slobbiest entity in the universe, with his cute button nose and... No. No, it was a sigh of regret. But it was a sigh that said, _'I was right. I had to get out of there, it was driving me mad.'_. Yes, that was what it was. He was out of there, and he wasn't going to be driven mad anymore. Especially not by Lister and his disgusting clothes, food, fags and toenails. And that smegging guitar, he had escaped Lister's smegging guitar!

**"It's all gone now..." **he murmured to himself. **"I don't have to suffer anymore."**

Looking out of the window, the hologram noticed that he wasn't travelling in a straight line. No, he was going sort of side-ways. A bit squewiff. Leaning to the left slightly. How odd. Ah well, there was nothing he could do about it now, all there was to do was sleep, read, and think to himself about what he'd left behind. Rimmer did enjoy a bit of wallowing in the past, he was quite the expert at it. There was quite alot to think about, really, when he really thought long and hard about it. When he reached into his soul and searched for the real reason why he had left. When he really, REALLY chewed it over...

He still couldn't come up with an answer.

But he didn't have much time left to think about an answer. Just as the word _'anymore'_ escaped his lips, the pod was hit by something on one side. Rimmer scrambled to his feet, and bashed his head on the top of the pod, thus knocking himself out. He was only in a state of temporary unconsciousness though, because he soon sat up again, being careful this time. He looked out of the porthole window again.

From the outside, it must've looked quite amusing. A man with an _'H'_ on his forehead, looking out of a window, with his nose pressed up against it, squashing it so that it was on one side, and with a look of utter terror and confusion.

**"...Smeg..." **Rimmer whispered. He had seen it, and it was certainly brown trousers time. **"Smeg. What the smeg am I going to do..."**

A meteor, the size of a small herd of small elephants, was zooming away from the pod. That must've been what had hit him. But, like buses, meteors seemed to come in twos or threes, when Rimmer was around. Actually, not like buses. Buses didn't come at all when Rimmer was around, they always drove past him for some odd reason. Maybe it was because of the time when he told the bus driver to buck his ideas up.

There were two options. One, stay in the pod, somehow die, but die a heroes death, or TWO, be a coward and call the _'Dwarf_ for help.  
Rimmer seemed to like option two, and quick as a flash - it doesn't take long to get from one side of the pod to the other, really - he was tapping away, trying to open communication channels. Nothing on the first try. If at first you don't succeed, bash the stupid computer until it responds. Nope, nada, nein danke. **"Argh, come on you goit."**. Rimmer glared at the screen, nothing. Nothing. Nothing. And then...

* * *

**"We're getting a distress call, Sirs." **

**"What? Who from?" **Lister dashed into the cockpit of Starbug, and Kryten stood up to let him sit down. **"Punch it up, quickly!" **

Cat looked annoyed. Couldn't the monkey see that he was busy, trying to catch his reflection in the screen? He growled. **"You're the one at the controls, idiot." **he said, grinning. He had been right, the human had been wrong. Stupid humans.

Lister frantically 'punched up' the distress call, but all they got was static. Static, static, then a flicker. Just a tiny flicker, but it was enough, **"It's Rimmer. Kryten, you talk to him."**

The mechanoid was slightly surprised. **"Are you sure you don't want to talk to him, Mr Lister?"**. Lister didn't speak, he just looked at the screen in front of him, and he looked terrified. Kryten took that as a no, and opened the communication channel, the picture flickered again, and then Rimmer came into view properly.

**_"It's... I've been hit by a me... shower of meteors com... can't..."_**.

**"Mr. Rimmer Sir, are you alright!"**

No-one could make out what Rimmer said, his voice was clipped and the image was flickering again. Lister was gripping the seat tightly. Never mind just brown trousers. This was brown trousers and white knuckles time.

**"MR. RIMMER? SIR?" **Kryten tried desperately, but to no avail. The image was still again, and they could see Rimmer was trying to talk to them, but there was no sound at all. Kryten tried to lip-read what the hologram was saying, but it was no use.

Suddenly, there was a jolt in the image, and Rimmer slumped forward, bashing his head against the screen. Lister stood up and stared at what he was seeing. The imaged jumped again, and Rimmer was thrown back in his chair, his head bleeding, unconscious again.

Kryten rushed to the front of the cockpit, and dragged Lister away. He was screaming Rimmer's name at the top of his voice, screaming for this not to be happening. But it was happening, and there wasn't much anyone could do about it.

* * *

The funny thing was... No, there wasn't really any funny thing about the situation. The hologrammatic life was draining out of Rimmer fast, and he wasn't able to do anything about it. Not that he would have been able to do anything about it anyway, but his state of non-consciousness was somewhat obscuring his ability to save himself.

All he could do was sit in the chair, bleeding, and wait for someone to come and save him.

* * *

Back in the _'Bug_, Lister was sobbing his heart out. Lying on his bed, in his black trousers, and a black shirt that Kryten had somehow made, sniffing and wailing.

**"Oh do snap out of it, Sir, you've been like this for at least two hours." **

**"I can't... I don't..."**

The Cat slinked into the room, wearing an all black PVC suit that he had designed and made himself. He was quite proud of himself, it had taken him ages to find the material, soak it in black dye, sew it together, add some respectful accessories, and finally squeeze into it.

Kryten had managed to get into his only suit.

Even Lister looked a bit smart.

The reason? They were having a funeral for Rimmer. Sure, he wasn't dead, but they weren't to know that. Actually, he was already dead, but they were going to have one anyway. A kind of, post-death-funeral, seeing as he didn't exactly get one in the first place. But, even though they were all a bit down in the mouth, there was one member of the ever-decreasing crew who just couldn't find the strength within himself to leave his bunk. He wanted to go to this funeral, but he didn't know whether he would make it.

Maybe it was because something deep inside his heart told him that Rimmer wasn't actually dead.

* * *

Well, he wasn't, was he? He was alive, miraculously, and starting to come to. The escape pod slowly came into focus as Rimmer blinked his eyes open, slowly, they didn't want to be exposed to the light. Not that there was much of that, in the middle of space. He got to his feet, only to feel woozy and to sink to his knees on the floor.

**"Smeg.." **he said, again, **"Why is it always me..."**

* * *

**TBC, guys. Promise.**

* * *

Only, I don't know where to go from there. I know, my chapters are always so short, but... Meh. I have a few ideas of where to go (Thanks to my totally fabulous boyfriend helping me out), but I've not decided yet.  
Sorry that it'll never be as good as _Failure_, but in my mind, nothing that I do will be. When I think about it, this is a bit better, but I'm too stubborn to admit that _Failure_ has to move down a place.  
Thanks for the reviews so far guys, they make me happy and inspire me to write more and more :-)  
Who knows, I might even start the next chapter tonight :-p

Star  
xx


	3. Chapter Three

**Title:** Leaving - Chapter 3

**Author:** StarQuality  
**  
Disclaimer:** Red Dwarf be the property of those very nice blokes.  
**  
Summary:** Now what?  
**  
Pairing:** Lister/Rimmer. Almost. Not quite. In fact, hell yes! It all starts to come out now.  
**  
A/N:** Well, here you are, the third chapter. Welcome! I hope you're not bored yet, I don't want to bore you. Trying to be interesting here, and it's not easy I'm afraid. And poppadom may or may not be spelt poppadom. The Kryten speech, I am exceptionally proud of. And sorry if the Rimmer/Voice in Head thing is confusing, it was written at 3am, and yes, I am aware it's odd. Bold in speechmarks is Rimmer, bold italic in speechmarks is the voice. Other bold italic is general thought. And I've spotted an error. In chapter one, they seem to be on _Red Dwarf, _but I said it takes place after Rimmer's hard light, and by that time they've lost it. Ah well.

* * *

Looking out of the window, Rimmer saw that he wasn't in space anymore. Well, he was in space, but he wasn't floating about aimlessly. Nope, he was on some kind of planet, one that he hoped was either inhabited with gorgeous nymphomaniacs - female, of course, he had reassured himself - or one that was completely deserted.

The planet had a slightly orange tint to it when you looked at it in one way, but in another, it looked more red. This confused Rimmer, but he put it down to being knocked out twice in the same day. To his left was a slight hill, in front of him was just... what looked like sand, to his right was nothing, above him was space, and behind him was his escape pod. He looked left, right and centre, and decided that he would climb the hill to see what he could see.

Absolutely smegging nothing. Just orange or was it red? Not a bit of vegetation, not a dribble of water, no sight of any animal life. The only things on this planet were him and the escape pod. Rimmer kicked the rock that was next to him. That just hurt his foot, so he sat down on the rock and rubbed it. Then he put his head in his hands and cried.

Alone again.

* * *

**"We have to go after him Cat, you don't understand!"**

**"What I don't understand is why you've suddenly become so attached to the man who once said you looked like a model for gargoyles." **

**"Because... you... wouldn't understand."**

At that point, Kryten entered the room. **"I understand, Sir."**

**"You do?" **Lister asked, looking up at him, ignoring the warm larger that the mechanoid was offering. Not alot made Lister go off his beer, but Rimmer in mortal danger was enough.

**"Mmm. Just before Mr. Rimmer left in the escape pod, you had an emotion fuelled farewell, in which he, due to feelings out of his control, kissed you, and then left. You yourself also have certain... urges, and, thanks to Mr. Rimmer's actions, these urges and feelings have begun to emerge. At the present time you're hiding them, because you feel embarrassed to show them to Mr. Cat and I, Sir. But we are not blind, we can see that you're worried about Mr. Rimmer, because you respect him, and you, even if you don't recognise it, are deeply in love with him. Poppadom?"**

Kryten smiled that smile of his, that _'I'm so clever for working it out, you stupid human'_ smile, and held out a plate of the snacks. Lister just stared at him, open mouthed. **"How... How did you know that he kissed me?"**

**"Oh come now Sir..." **If mechanoids had a blushing feature, Kryten would have been the colour of... something very red. **"It's quite obvious."**

Lister crossed the small cockpit and put his face very close to Kryten's, **"Don't lie to me, Kryten. How. Did. You. Know? Tell me."**

The poor 'droid was devastated, Mr Lister had never spoken to him like that before, **"I... I was outside when it happened, Sir. I didn't listen in on purpose, I was on my way with the laundry, Sir, I... I..." **he began to whimper, **"I just caught a glimpse, Sir, I left straight away!"**

Lister looked at him, **"Right. Right."**

**"Yes, I know I'm right Sir." **Kryten nodded, slowly.

**"...You were mostly right. But there was one thing you got wrong."**

**"What's that Mr. David Sir?"**

**"_I_ recognise I'm in love with him."**

* * *

There was one good thing about his situation. Rimmer didn't have to listen to that smeggy gerbil-faced git and his chirpy, optimistic views on everything. Everything except his bunkmate. Rimmer knew he wasn't an easy guy to get along with, but surely Lister could come up with one good thing to say about him? Instead of always telling him that he was a weasel, a worm.

**"What the smeg are you thinking, you fool?" **he said to the air, **"It's not Lister at all, it's you. You never have a good word to say about _him_, not the other way around. He's right, you're a worm. What makes you think that he would ever look at you twice!"**

Rimmer stood, quite angry with himself, but more shocked than anything else. What was that last part? He closed his eyes and thought hard, **_'what makes you... look at you twice ... look at you twice'_**. Arnold J Rimmer wanted David Lister to _look_ at him?

**"Oh god. Oh god, please no."**

* * *

Kryten scurried down the corridor behind Lister, who was almost running. **"Sir, where are we going, Sir?"**

**"I don't KNOW, Kryten." **he stopped. He took a deep breath, trying to calm down. The thoughts were rushing through his brain, all clamouring to try and be the one he thought about. He felt numb.

Kryten was now more worried than ever. He _LOVED_ Mr. Lister, and seeing him like this just wasn't normal. Not normal at all. For once, he didn't know what to do for the best. Mr. David had turned down his offer of his favourite curry, he'd turned down his idea of watching _'It's A Wonderful Life'_, and he had failed to even LOOK interested when Kryten had been explaining why it was always best to wash blue and purple separately.

**"I just don't know anymore." **Lister sat down on the cold, hard floor, and sobbed into his hands. Why did this have to happen now? Just when he'd started to find Rimmer... attractive, the stupid git had to go and kill himself, albeit accidentally. Kill himself... **"Kryten... I don't think he's dead."**

**"Pardon Sir?" **

**"I said, I don't think he's dead."**

**"But Sir..."**

**"No, listen. I think..." **But it was absurd. **"Oh, forget it, I'm being stupid."**

* * *

Rimmer wasn't gay. There was no WAY. Sure, he wasn't excellent around the opposite sex, but gay? No. He liked GIRLS, and he hated doing the _YMCA_.

**_"But you haven't seen a girl for years." _**said a voice in his head,

**"It's not my fault!"**

**_"Come on, Bonehead, you can't blame this one on your parents."_**

**"Shut up. Just SHUT UP."**

_**"Not until you've accepted it."**_

**"There's nothing to accept. I just want Lister to RESPECT me, that's all. I mean... wanted." **Rimmer smirked, thinking he'd won.

**_"Tot."_** The voice sneered, _**"You want HIM, admit it."**_

**"Never... I... I don't like him."**

_**"Oh, but you do. You kissed him, didn't you?"**_

**"That was a... manly kiss."**

_**"Pfft. There's not such thing."**_

**"Well, I'm willing to admit that I... I..."**

_**"...am gay."**_

**"...am lustfully bisexual."**

_**"Oh for smeg's sake."**_

* * *

A week after the whole '_Rimmer's gone in the escape pod crashed feared dead' _scenario, Lister was still depressed, Kryten was still worried, and thanks to The Cat, Starbug made a graceful landing on an uninhabited planet.

Uninhabited, perhaps, except for one, lone, hologram.

* * *

**TBC.**

Thank GOD I've got that out of the way. I swear, that chapter was haunting me. Haunting, and taunting. Almost like, _"Teasing, confusing..."_. Ah, classic.  
Apart from the error I pointed out in my A/N, this fic isn't going so badly, is it? I'm proud of it so far, it might be as good as _**Failure**_ one day. I think there'll only be one more chapter. Maybe two. But don't worry, the Rimmer/Lister squeeeee-ness is coming soon. Cross my heart and hope to die. Well, no, I don't hope to die, or I won't be able to write the next bit. Maybe that's for the best.  
Oh and MAJOR pride over Kryten's speech. Which I have mentioned several times, to several people. Sorry about that. But I just amused myself.

_"The thoughts were rushing through his brain, all clamouring to try and be the one he thought about."  
_Inspired by something my boyfriend said to me once._  
_  
Right, it's 3:32am, and I'm smegged.  
Night night, and keep reviewing, I live off of them, seriously. I won't be able to write unless I know what the general consensus is. Haha, that's a good word. And, if you have some '_Dwarf_ Lister/Rimmer slash, advertise. As well as reviewing, I don't appreciate reviews where the sole purpose is to tell me about your fic :-) So, yes, review and thank you for reading this far!

Star  
xx


	4. Chapter Four

**Title:** Leaving - Chapter 4

**Author:** StarQuality, author of ye _Fai... _I mean... _Leaving._  
**  
Disclaimer:** I have a fiver in my purse. Is that enough to buy _RD? _No? Well then, take it that I don't own the show. Actually, I don't even have that anymore, my friend borrowed it. He owes me a HELL of a lot of doughnuts/donuts.  
**  
Summary:** A happy ending?  
**  
Pairing:** Lister/Rimmer. Squee!  
**  
A/N:** Awww, you guys are the best for reviewing all the time, I love you! Yay! If I smile sweetly, will you review more? Anyway, I hope that after I've written this, I remember to go back and put the _Summary_ in. If I don't, sorry, I'll re-post it. Maths isn't my strong point, so don't pick holes in it!  
_Time/date started: Friday 15th of April, 22:26.  
Time/date finished: Saturday 16th of April, 00:06  
_Enjoy dudes, not sure if this is the last, we'll see when we get there.

* * *

For the week that Rimmer had been on his own planet, the only person he'd had for company was himself. Himself, and that little voice in his head, who he had deducted was more annoying than that smeggy Toaster. They say that if you talk to yourself, you get the right answers, that the voices in your head tell you what you want to hear. Not so, Arnold J Rimmer's voices. They leered at him, the more depressed he got, the more they teased and confused him. He sunk lower and lower, until one day he discovered something... amazing. Something so astounding that he could hardly believe it. He had to go and look at it a few times to make sure he wasn't seeing things.

A footprint. A human footprint.

Rimmer knew it wasn't his, because, even hard-light holograms don't leave footprints, so there was only one answer. Someone was on that planet with him. Being a natural coward, Rimmer didn't know whether to laugh or cry. On the one hand, it was a human... a human. On the other hand, it was a human, who would probably hate him, or try to kill him. On the other hand, if he'd had three, it was a mutant of some kind who happened to have the same shape of foot as a human. Rimmer quickly did some calculations in his head.

_There was a thirty-three percent chance that it was a human.  
There was a sixty-six percent chance that it was a human who wanted to do horrible things to him.  
There was a sixty-six percent chance that it was a mutant who wanted to do horrible things to him.  
That was a thirty-three percent chance of a good thing.  
And a sixty-six percent chance of a bad thing._

As it turned out, it was a human who wanted to do horrible things to him, as well as a creature that evolved from cats, and a sanitation 'droid.  
But that depends what your take on the word 'horrible' is.  
To some people, horrible may be finding half a maggot in an apple, or, alternatively, it may involve sexual activities. You just don't know when you've been marooned in space for years.

* * *

Lister was that human. As the only one left, really, he was the only likely candidate. The first thing he noticed about the planet was the lack of breathable air. From the inside, it had looked a bit... well, more... human-friendly. But, as he stepped out of _Starbug_, climbed down to the surface and sucked in a lungful of toxins, he realised he was wrong. Choking and coughing, Lister scrambled back in, where Kryten was trying to figure out where they were. When he noticed Mr Lister was dying, he quickly fitted him with an oxygen mask and scuttled off to tell The Cat not to leave the ship without the same equipment.

After his brush with death, Lister shakily got to his feet, with one hand still holding the mask in place. He looked out of the window, and saw a footprint. Thoughts flashed through his mind, but, he realised that it couldn't be Rimmer, because even hard-light holograms don't leave footprints. And plus, it was his own. He sighed a heavy sigh, and took the mask off. Kryten came hurrying in with The Cat in tow, and started fussing around Lister, re-fitting him with the oxygen mask and such. Lister fidgeted like a four year old, he didn't want to go out there, he wanted to stay in the ship and mooch about, like he'd been doing for the past seven and a half days.

But, no, Kryten wanted him to get some fresh air, even though the air was anything BUT fresh. More... _off_. Lister made himself smile briefly when he thought that breathing the air must be like breathing yoghurt that's five years old. But then he remembered that he missed Rimmer, and he drooped.

The trio left the _'bug_ and began their search for something, anything that could fix the broken parts. Not likely, really, but they could but try, and they did. For two days, The three walked around the planet, desperately searching for anything that could help them. Eventually, Lister came across something, but he didn't tell the others. He wanted to keep it to himself.

It was an escape pod.

A _Red Dwarf_ escape pod.

* * *

The day after he found the footprint, Rimmer found another. And another, and several more, all around his escape pod. He looked inside, someone had been in there, he could tell, it had a funny smell, and he wasn't sure if he liked it or not. It sort of smelt like... curry.

Curry.

Lister.

Rimmer's face broke into the biggest grin imaginable, he jumped six foot in the air, and he ran off in a Southerly direction. The total opposite direction to where Lister was. But, as a planet is generally spherical, this wasn't too much of a problem.

He didn't know where he was going, or for what reason, but he knew that somewhere, Lister was breathing the same air as him. Or, at least, would have been if it hadn't been so... poisonous. But, the fact that Lister was treading the same ground of him was enough, and Rimmer wanted to find him so badly. Not that he knew what he'd do or say when he saw him, but that wasn't the point, he would decide that when he got to him. Rimmer wasn't the slightest bit bothered that there was a chance that he was wrong, and that it was dome kind of monster that SMELT like curry... But for the first time in his life, Rimmer _was _actually 100 correct.

Lister was there, somewhere, and he was closer than Rimmer thought.

* * *

However hard he tried, Lister couldn't stop thinking about Rimmer. The fact that he had found the escape pod meant that Rimmer was either alive, and somewhere on the planet... or... no, the other option didn't bear thinking about. He was forced to tell the other two what he had found, and Kryten had gently persuaded him to let them demolish the pod for spare parts. Lister refused to help them with the task, so he just sat on a rock behind it and watched them slowly take it apart. As much as Cat had tried to convince him to help, claiming that the work was just too much for him - Kryten did most of the lifting, moving and general work - he still just sat on the rock.

All he could think of was that hologram. The man that had annoyed him to the extreme... But, hadn't he done the same? Rimmer had complained about his guitar on more than a thousand occasions, and did he ever take any notice? No, he played it more, just to annoy him. And what about the time Lister put that fake worm in Rimmer's bed? That was just to irritate and generally gross him out. Didn't work though, Rimmer just reported him. Again. He was such a smeghead... So, why did Lister love him? He'd been trying to work out the answer to that question for roughly twenty thousand, one hundred and sixty minutes and still hadn't come up with anything other than the fact that he had a nice arse.

There were so many tiny little things that Rimmer did that made Lister's heart jump. The way he organised his pencils so that they were all the same way up in his pencil holder. The way that he always wrote the first letter of his name in huge capitals, and the rest in his usual small, neat handwriting. The way that he gave commands that no-one ever took any notice of. The way he did a full inspection of Lister's bunk once a week, as if they were in the Brownies. The way that he was.

He tried to take his mind off of Rimmer for a moment, and looked over at Kryten and Cat. The mechanoid was carrying a metal pole up into _Starbug_, whilst the Cat was following, giving orders all the time. He decided that he should help them, took out a screwdriver, and began to undo one of the bolts that was connecting the door to the pod.

Then, a voice.

A voice that was cracked, tear-choked and desperate to be used to communicate with someone other than itself. But it was a voice that was relieved, an almost cheerful voice.

**"Hey... what are you doing to my escape pod, you git?"**

* * *

**End?**

* * *

Yep, I think that's it. Maybe I'll do more, but I doubt it. Might do a like... a thing, a um... you know...

Thank you to Jenn for correcting my grammar at one point, and thank you to Simon for giving me the line involving maggots. Oh, and thank you to Xyl/Miss McGruder for her support and stuff!  
Love you all dearly :-)  
And, if this is the end, I'd like to thank all of you for reading and reviewing, you made my day when I saw that I had reviews :-)  
If it's not the end, then I'll see you in the epilogue. That's the word I was looking for, epilogue.

It may be the end of _Leaving,_ but it's not the end of me and my slash fics.

Star  
xx


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